Homepage
Login
New Post
Profile
In a previous question, I asked about how to improve the opening of my short novel. The following is the ending:
"Can I talk about something that makes me feel strange?" he asked
while searching for a glass. She nodded and stared at him with her
lips slightly open.
"A thousand years from now, this moment will no longer exist," he
said, placing the glass on the bar. "Not even as a memory." She leaned
her head slightly to one side. "Isn't that long enough?"
"It is for us," he replied. "But for the universe, it's only a
fraction of fraction of a second." He poured some of the vodka into
the glass, closed it, and returned it back to where he found it.
"And you know what's the strangest thing?" he said while repeating the
same procedure with the next bottle. "If I close my eyes, I can see
the empty space that is left after that happens. "
"How does it look like?" she asked.
"Just like the world as it is now, he said. "But without this. Without
us." He put the second bottle back, and washed him hands, like a
surgeon after an operation. He made sure that everything was in its
right place, and then placed the glass in front of her. She thanked
him, and picked the glass up with care. "How it is called?"
"Explosions in the sky," he answered. She took a sip, and complimented
him.
"Why don't you look at it like this," she said, with her eyes fixed on
her glass. "Like our minds and bodies, this moment will become
stardust, and float through space." He looked at her, then sipped his
drink. For some reason, he found it particularly strong this time.
"And exist forever?" he asked.
"Yeah," she said. "Just in a new form." They kept quiet, lost in
their thoughts for a while, sipping their drinks. The neon sign was
still flickering from time to time.
"I wonder why we are the only people here," he asked after after a
moment. She looked around. All the seats were empty, and there was
total silence.
"Maybe this moment already turned into stardust a long time ago," she
said. "And right now, it is being played somehow. Like a movie." She
made a pause, and started drawing imaginary circles on the glass with
her index finger.
"But because it's based on my memory," she continued. "There is only
you and me."
He looked at her with a smile on his face. "It could be based on mine
too." She smiled back, and placed her hand on his. He closed his eyes,
and imagined the moment turning into stardust. Every image. Every
sound disintegrating, and floating forever in the vast universe.
It is my first attempt of writing a story so I would like to know how to improve this last scene (which consist basically in dialogue).
Sometimes I get confused about whether start an 'action tag' in a new line or right after the double quotes.
I also want to know if there are any writing mistakes.
Thanks in advance.
Disclaimer: I'm not a native English speaker
(2)More posts by @Smith147
2 Comments
Sorted by latest first Latest Oldest Best
The dialogue is OK, but I was distracted by the constant mentions of glass. For me, it disrupts the flow of conversation.You use it in almost every paragraph. Try to make bartending and drinking more interesting.
"The neon sign was still flickering from time to time." Flickering neon is a beaten-to-death cliche. Maybe add some man playing sad song on the piano, while you're at it :)?
1) As far as concept, there's nothing to improve. I like this quite a bit. The mystery and the philosophy dovetail nicely. There isn't a lot of action, and whatever "happens" is occurring in dialogue. This works really well.
2) Action tags can be almost anywhere you like; it's mostly a choice of style. As long as it's clear to whom the action belongs, there's no particular rule. I suggested one spot to fix below, but otherwise all your action tags are clear.
3) Minor fixes:
her lips slightly parted
Mouths are open, lips are parted, because there are two and they are parted from one another.
I would put a line break before "She leaned her head..." so that it's clear that the next line of dialogue is hers.
closed the bottle
You can't close a glass, and he wouldn't be returning the glass to the shelf.
Either:
"What does it look like?"
OR
"How does it look?"
washed his hands
Either:
was in the right place
OR
was in its place
What's this drink called?
That's important, so that we know she means the drink and not the philosophical concept he's discussing.
started drawing circles
They're not imaginary because she's drawing them on the glass, even if she's not writing them with ink.
she continued, "there is
Comma instead of period, lowercase T
Terms of Use Privacy policy Contact About Cancellation policy © selfpublishingguru.com2024 All Rights reserved.