: Re: Is the opening of this story intriguing, "dark" and smooth? Disclaimer: I'm not an Native English Speaker. This is my fifth attempt of writing a short story (the previous ones are set in the

@Sue2132873

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In all honesty, it doesn't work for me. To address your particular questions:

Is it dark? Not especially. I get a sense of someone not being sure where they are, but not being in a sinister place. More like having woken up after a drunken night, and trying to remember the last bar.

Does it flow? Not IMO. I am reminded of the old text-based Adventure games "You are in a room. There is an octopus lying on the floor."

Solutions? More words, more description. Taking it slower, adding more potential danger would help both of these. A quick attempt to rework the first sentence, for example:

Julian was in a deserted street. How he had got there, or where 'there' was, eluded him. As he walked, the fog enveloped him, wrapped him, held him. When he escaped from the fog, the darkness took him instead.

Note - these are just my opinions! Others may disagree, but as a rule, slower progress tends to make for more suspense. And I think, with some work, this could work out well.

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