: Re: Is the opening of this story intriguing, "dark" and smooth? Disclaimer: I'm not an Native English Speaker. This is my fifth attempt of writing a short story (the previous ones are set in the

@Pierce369

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To make it dark, you would have to focus more on the atmosphere. Something about Julian's surroundings or something about your style of describing his situation has to suggest that darkness. Stay in the scene for a bit longer.

When Julian is outside: Are there shadows forming around him, expanding and flowing into mysterious shapes? What about the fog? What is it doing? Forming wispy vapors that ascend into the night sky, like long forgotten memories? (That is not a very good metaphor, read better authors to get the hang of this, but I hope you get the idea). The progression does seem a bit rushed, we see a neon light, a sign, then a glass door, then another neon light forming the silhouette of a nude woman...this happens a bit too quickly. To improve the flow here, you need to lead us through these objects much slowly, trying to pique our intrigue and adding more description.

When Julian in inside: I like the part that starts with 'After staring at it for a while...' much better. You have given a sense of 'something being wrong' more successfully here. '...with her back to the absent audience' is a good touch. This is the kind of descriptive style you need to put into the earlier section, something that will invoke associations of mystery, intrigue and darkness in the reader's mind. This later section (in my opinion) flows better than the previous one as well, which shows to me that you can get there with a little bit of work.

As a general advice, although I am sure that you are already reading, read even more and more of your favorite authors/genres. That is crucial in terms of improving your style.

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