: Re: Opening paragraphs of a short story set in an aquarium I'm writing a short story about a schoolgirl who is visiting an aquarium (this setting is connected with her past and with the conflict
As you can see, each paragraph starts with Sophia... I've done my best to think of other opening lines but I can't think of any. What do you suggest? (I also repeat the name Sophia in the paragraphs. Not sure if this is bad though)
Para 2:
Being surrounded by sea water and everything that lived in it made her feel
as if she had been transported to another world. She could spend all
afternoon watching clown fish, sharks, sting rays, and turtles.
Para 3: since Sophia is the only actor, you can use "she" without ambiguity
She spent her childhood years were spent on a watermelon farm in Kenting's countryside.
Para 4:
Having reached a winding staircase Sophia stared at it for a moment and began to ascend.
Is the transition to the flashback of Sophia's childhood smooth?
It did not come across as smooth to me. Instead it came across as a break in the action that was all telling and little showing. It may feel smoother if you phrase it as something Sophia is thinking as she is walking through the tunnel. Have a sea creature swimming by remind her of one she saw as a child, for example.
Well, the purpose of these paragraphs are not to create suspense nor intrigue, but as a reader, do you want to keep reading? If not, how to improve them? The truly 'intriguing' part comes later when she discovers a baby girl floating in the middle of a water tank.
I think it needs to be tightened up in order to be intriguing. Right now it kind of meanders on and on about her love for the sea, but you can convey that in probably a single paragraph. What you need to elaborate on is the background of how Sophia got to the city she is currently living in. Right now it's an info dump. Draw it out with more interesting details. If possible help me as the reader see how Sophia will react to the floating baby by giving me a glimpse into her character that is more than just the fact that she loves the ocean. Make me care about her as a person. You have an interesting story - that of a family's fortunes declining and lots of changes for a young girl coming of age. Make it matter.
To create a suspenseful tone I'd bring in some of the very real danger that water can pose, since I assume the baby girl who will be floating is not going to be alive (although if she is that would be even more interesting to me).
Since the story is set in an aquarium, there are some terms that I'm not familiar with (e.g. water tank, glass tunnel, glass window, etc.). Am I using them properly?
Just one note: usually in an aquarium the water is not too terribly murky so the fish wouldn't disappear that easily.
Unrelated to your bullet points there are some grammar issues here that you should look into cleaning up.
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