: Re: Does my story beginning hook the reader? (dialogue + narration)? The following is the opening of a short story I'm writing: Erin stared at Ruth, eyes narrowed. "There was an earthquake

@Jennifer354

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It was quite difficult to read actually. I am not sure you are not a native English speaker, there are many grammatical mistakes that I expect to see from non-native speakers. Examples (3 from several): "...and glancing at the people in the other tables from time to time"
instead of "...at the other tables..." and "I decided to open my eyes, and for my surprise, the shaking had stopped." instead of "...and to my surprise..." and a style rather than grammar one "Heineken neon sign" is better as "neon Heineken sign" as it places the emphasis better (on Heineken).

There are also colons in place of semicolons.
All in all it is overly wordy, and has some strange logic holes - do we notice shaking has stopped when we open our eyes - or because we can no longer feel the vibrations. "...my apartment room..." no need for "room" here as it is obvious if you are in an apartment you are in a room, "...my apartment's sitting room..." perhaps. "took a package of Marlboro Light from her purse, and lit a cigarette up" no need for "up" either really "took a package of Marlboro Light from her purse, and lit a cigarette".

This has the 'first hit' look and feel to it. You need to reread it several times - go take a break and then read it fresh. Then errors will scream at you and better way to say things will come to mind. I often rewrite whole sections several times on rereads - sometimes even wiping out whole scenes or characters - it has to fit and it has to flow.

Keep at it :D

Good luck.

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