: Re: Does my story beginning hook the reader? (dialogue + narration)? The following is the opening of a short story I'm writing: Erin stared at Ruth, eyes narrowed. "There was an earthquake

@Sue2132873

Vote Up Vote Down

The problem I have - and it is a promising idea, btw, so keep at it - is that the speaking does not feel natural. People don't actually talk like that, except in very staged situations (or Scandanavian crime stories, where it works, oddly)

"What earthquake?" Erin said, staring at Ruth with narrowed eyes.

"9 last night. A 4.3 they said on the news. Not something you can miss" Ruth replied.

What was I doing, thought Erin. Not sleeping - far too early for that. And a 4.3 on the Richter scale is not something I would miss even if I was.

The most relaxed or casual style draws me into people who have a past together that I want to know about, and the sense of being in the middle of a conversation gives it a sense of immediate speed.

As always, this is just some direction that I would prefer to see in it. Feel free ot ignore if it doesn't work for you.

ETA: Think about your first line - that is vitally important. I think that

"What Earthquake?" said Erin

is a more gripping start than

Erin stared at Ruth, eyes narrowed

You are right into the heart of the action from the start - earthquakes are cool as is the possibility that someone might have missed one. Your start sounds like the introduction to a bitch-fight, not an earthquake story.

(0)

Login to post a comment!