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I'm writing a short story about a girl who has apparently 'missed' an earthquake. This is the beginning of the second scene (here is the first):
Erin was sitting on her bed, working on a new song. Becoming an artist
wasn't something she had in mind; writing songs was just a way of
putting her thoughts in order. But tonight, she couldn't concentrate.
Every chord she played sounded wrong, and every rhyme she wrote was
flat and meaningless. She put down her guitar and stared vacantly at
the ceiling. How long I have been living under this roof? she
wondered. It had been almost four years since she had moved back from
Taipei. Then, as if something had just popped up into her head, she
grabbed the remote control from the table, turned on the TV, and
switched to the news. 4 killed, 8 injured in chain highway crash.
Drunk man hit a 63-year-old woman on the sidewalk. She died on the
spot. Erin switched to another news station. 8 police officers
investigated for corruption, 4 praised for performance. Unemployment
rate rises to 4% in May. Rain possible over the weekend. She scratched
her ear, turned off the TV, and stared again at the ceiling. No news
about any earthquake, she said to herself. She stood up and walked to
her bookshelf. Then, as if she were looking for a secret passage, she
examined the books carefully. They were stacked perfectly side by
side, like piano keys. It seemed like they hadn't moved a single inch
since the last time she'd checked them. She wondered if Ruth had told
the thing about the earthquake as a joke. Or maybe she lied to me, she
thought. But no matter how she looked at it, there wasn't any reason for Ruth to do so.
Erin left out a sign. "Why I'm thinking so much about this? "
She walked back to her bed, grabbed her phone, and dialed Benjamin's
number. He answered after a few seconds.
"Did you see my missed calls?" Erin asked.
This is the first time I write a scene where a character is checking the news.
I would like to know if I'm including too many details or useless information. Is there something I should add?
(2)More posts by @Goswami879
2 Comments
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For me, there is too much irrelevance.
Have you ever heard the "If you show a gun in scene one, you had better use it by scene three" advice? That springs to mind when I read the whole Erin-on-her-bed bit. If you are going to tell us that she is musical and moved from Taipei, that hade better become relevant very soon. If not, it is doing nothing to move the narrative forward and should be deleted.
Some specific sentences are too much 'tell'. "Then, as if something had just popped up into her head, she grabbed the remote control from the table, turned on the TV, and switched to the news" could be made a lot shorter. Grabbing the remote shows us that she acted on impulse and doesn't need to be stated. She can just turn on the news, and this implies that the TV is on - again there is no need to say it.
In "No news about any earthquake, she said to herself" there is no need to say that she said it to herself. The reader can work that out for themselves.
Similarly with "They were stacked perfectly side by side, like piano keys. It seemed like they hadn't moved a single inch since the last time she'd checked them." Just tell us they are neatly stacked - readers have minds and can figure out that if they are stacked neatly they haven't moved.
In this case I would say you have it pretty well balanced. The whole point of her checking the news is to see if anyone else noticed the Earthquake, so seeing what's on the news works well. There's just enough there to give us a feel for it and so we can all fill it in with the same old day-to-day news we're all familiar with.
All in all, I think you've managed a good balance for Show vs. Tell. You're showing just enough to let us know what it is without having to resorting to telling us.
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