: Re: Does this opening paragraph grab your attention? (very normal setting) This is the beginning of a short story I'm writing: Jun was standing motionless at entrance of the 7-eleven. He was

@YK4692630

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The main reason this doesn't grab my attention is that there is no sense of immediacy. We start with him standing there, staring, scratching his ear, lifting his head. So what? It doesn't give me a good reason to keep reading all the way to the hook where he's going "How is that possible? She only told me minutes ago."

Start with the hook. Let us know right off the bat that something's off. You could state it explicitly (eg. It had only been two minutes since his wife had told him what to buy, and already Jun couldn't remember for the life of him what it was that she wanted) or make it more subtle (eg. Jun wandered up and down the aisles of the 7-Eleven, ignoring the strange looks from the other customers as he focused his full attention on each section in the store). With better writing, obviously.

The other aspect that makes it lack immediacy is the verb forms (yes, there is a formal term for it that I don't know). When you say "was standing" or "was staring" it doesn't give you a sense of things happening now. It makes you feel more removed from the action, like you're watching on instead of being part of it. Instead of "was standing", say "stood". Instead of "was staring", say "stared".

Basically: Hook us, and make us feel like we're there.

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