: Re: Is the opening of this detective short story gripping enough to read on? Can it be shortened? Is this opening too short or too quick? Can it be shortened further, removing any unnecessary description

@Caterina108

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First,
The characterization needs to be strong sk. Of course its just 3 paras. But if you are not including monologues, it won't make the readers listen to his inner voice.

Second,
Amit seems to be just a normal guy. Why not give him a few traits in the beginning only?
As far as I have seen/read the beginnings are crucial. If your beginnings won't make me slip to the next page, I won't buy it. Make your beginning strong. The opening paragraph should be such that it forces the reader to read on.

Here, I gave it a shot..

"Again?" my boss stared at the ruffled papers on his desk with his hands on his waist. "How many times will I have to tell you, Amit?
Always close the windows! You're my company's financier. I hired you
because you had sense."

I tried not looking into his eyes. They had a fierce gaze. "I was
working late last night. I must have forgotten to do so."

"Thank God they didn't steal these", he said as he dug out a few
{stuff} from his drawer. "Next time, this excuse won't save you from
getting fired.

So much for an attractive salary.

I stood there and saw him pick up his {stuff}. I knew that I was morally
supposed to help him. But he didn't ask for it. His hands were going
through all the papers and {stuff} that he had had on his desk. Only a
few things were missing. But most of them had been dropped on the floor.
Among them was a photo frame of his son. He picked it up, brushed off the dust and carefully
placed it back on the desk.

Here, I tried to show things in the dialogues themselves. The line:

I knew that I was morally supposed to help him. But he didn't ask for it.

is my attempt to show a personality trait of Amit's character.

And the reason why I included this line:

Among them was a photo frame of his son. He picked it up, brushed off the dust and carefully placed it back on the desk.

is because I wanted to show that the boss has a son and he loves him. It's just like an introduction of the son as he is going to be killed in the next paragraph.

Of course I did not include the other details... I just wanted to show that this is how you can entwine details with dialogues rather than giving a straightaway info dump.

I'm not a pro, but I'm trying really hard. Hope this helps :)

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