: Re: Critique: Make excerpt more visual/flow better I have this excerpt I'm not sure is fluid and visual enough: Peter came out of the café rubbing his tummy. The chipmunk had a smile on the

@Murray831

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Peter looked where Ariett was pointing and saw the little crowd near the treehouse.

If we're in Peter's head in this scene, we can also do this:

Ariett was pointing at the little crowd near the treehouse.

If we're in Peter's head, we know that these are his observations. So we know he's looking at Ariett and then at where she's pointing.

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