: Re: Style Critique (1200 words) The Shade of the Magnolia Tree Against the carmine coloured sand his robes seemed to fade. With a jump a bolt of pure crimson followed him like a shadow. His robes

@Yeniel532

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I'm guessing that you'd like the several questions (“does it read like a mary sue? is the word choice too verbose? do the poems work? would this style be overwhelming in a longer piece?”) that you asked in a comment, answered. (If you don't want people guessing about your intentions, rewrite the question and clarify.)

does it read like a mary sue?

I don't know, because I didn't force myself to read the whole thing. I didn't find the first paragraph coherent or compelling enough to make me want to read further.
The punctuation errors and grammatical errors in the first paragraph (and the dialog just after it) are off-putting and suggest reading the rest would be time misspent.

is the word choice too verbose?

In places, yes. But the run-on sentences, the misused or made-up (eg chastefull) words, the poor punctuation (missing question marks and periods), the lack of transition or sequencing, all are problems perhaps more serious.

do the poems work?

Yes and no. Some lines seem desirably poetic, understandable, and rhythmic. But others are strained (awkword word order in second lines of first two stanzas) or clumsy (use of “did I”) or stumbling.

would this style be overwhelming in a longer piece?

Probably, since it already doesn't work well in a short piece.

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