: Re-phrasing help 'The glass filled with water slipped from Kekibhoys's hand while he was lost in his thoughts.' This is the opening sentence to a short story that three of us are collaborating

'The glass filled with water slipped from Kekibhoys's hand while he was lost in his thoughts.'

This is the opening sentence to a short story that three of us are collaborating on. I feel this sentence does not draw the reader into the story and it seems a bit off.

I wish to convey the same idea but want it to be re-worded. Any help?

PS: The story is fantasy woven in real life, if that helps.

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@Smith147

I think re-wording won't be enough. A character dropping a glass of water because he/she's spacing out, is not exactly what I would call intriguing.

I suggest something like this:

The glass of water slipped from Kekibhoys' hand as he saw the giant blood
stain on his wall.

Kekibhoys' glass of water fell on the floor as he saw the giant blood
stain on his wall.

This is just an example, of course. It all depends on what your story is about.

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: Re-phrasing help 'The glass filled with water slipped from Kekibhoys's hand while he was lost in his thoughts.' This is the opening sentence to a short story that three of us are collaborating

More posts by @Candy753

: Should a piece of fiction be made of 100% concise writing? I recently finished reading William Strunk's Elements of Style. The book mostly teaches how to write concise paragraphs (e.g. by removing,

: Does my title/opening paragraph grab your attention? Saki's Sixth Finger Saki gripped her extra finger as she peered down at the beach. The plane was reaching Phuket, finally. Watching

: When to use contractions and when to use complete words? These are some passages from Man-Eating Cats by Haruki Murakami. He'd been dead set against out marriage from the start, and his

: Is it common for flashbacks to not to follow a chronological order? I'm writing a short story with the following structure: Scene 1: Deshi and Yuqi are in a mountain searching for an abandoned

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