: Re: Re-phrasing help 'The glass filled with water slipped from Kekibhoys's hand while he was lost in his thoughts.' This is the opening sentence to a short story that three of us are collaborating

@Smith147

Vote Up Vote Down

I think re-wording won't be enough. A character dropping a glass of water because he/she's spacing out, is not exactly what I would call intriguing.

I suggest something like this:

The glass of water slipped from Kekibhoys' hand as he saw the giant blood
stain on his wall.

or

Kekibhoys' glass of water fell on the floor as he saw the giant blood
stain on his wall.

This is just an example, of course. It all depends on what your story is about.

(0)

Login to post a comment!