: How to deal with cliche dialogue? The following is from a story I'm writing: "Goodbye Choco," my mother said, to end the prayer, “may your soul rest in peace,” and crossed herself.

Vote Up Vote Down

Actually, there's a social rule of thumb here, that may apply in fiction. That is, to treat serious matters lightly, and light matters gravely. As another answerer pointed out, you're mother's comments seemed "too light," until you drop the
bomb" about animal self destruction. Here, the mother ought to get concerned, but she doesn't, a perfect foil to your serious situation. But you've left open the possibility that maybe she is "catching on," and is concerned enough not to show it.

The rest is up to you.

(0)

Vote Up Vote Down

If do you want to liven up the dialogue you perhaps need to add some conflict into the mother's state of mind. Her input to the scene is sadness and worry, which is a little predictable and one dimensional, and that makes it difficult to conjure interesting expression. The mother could carry other traits or motivations. She may be hiding guilt, regret, a dark secret, or even indigestion, all of which could colour her dialogue either darkly or comically. Imagine the last time you were at a funeral, what else were you thinking about aside from how sad it all was?

You have a perfect opportunity for subtext - she can talk about the dog, while really referring to how protective she feels about her daughter. 'I should never have let Choco off the leash' etc. You have a woman who you might think ought to be grieving, but is actually more fearful for the loved-ones still alive.

No matter how you go about it, having one person refuse to be honest or direct with the other adds immediate conflict which you can use for drama or comedy, and it prevents your characters from stating the obvious. The reader knows the obvious (mothers worry) but is forced to consider the turmoil which prevents the characters saying it.

(0)

Vote Up Vote Down

Oh, you are doing well here. Very well. You are breaking a rule about cliche dialogues exactly where it should be broken.

You are writing a meaningless, dull prattle that lulls the reader into slightly bored indifference and then you drop the bomb of “Animal Self-Destruction Observation Group” which makes me go "What?!" - and then you drop another - “That’s good.”, the mother completely missing it, suddenly adding a lot of depth to the story, by showing how shallow and ignorant a person she is. And from that point on what was so far dull and boring, despite not changing the tone the least bit, looks sinister and gritting.

This is exactly a very well executed trick of lulling the reader into boredom only to shock them out of it. Well done and don't change it!

(0)

Vote Up Vote Down

1) Lengthen it. You're not going to have rat-a-tat-tat patter graveside.

2) Take each phrase you feel is clichéd, determine the meaning, and rewrite it in different words. "All we want is for our children to grow healthy and happy" becomes "That's my biggest responsibility and my biggest hope — that my children are healthy and happy, and we didn't break them too much on the way to adulthood."

3) Try the exercise I recommended in my answer to this question, where you and a friend ad-lib the scene and record it. Play it back and see how real, unscripted dialogue sounds.

(0)