I think the problem is less style itself than the fact that your readers are taking your writing style as indicative of a problematic attitude. Let's take the sentences you highlighted and the suggested improvements as a guide:

Two linguists have read this work and left positive feedback.

Based on the suggested improvements, I'm guessing this reads as boastful and entitled. It may seem like a completely neutral statement, but it highlights only the acclaim you've gotten.

After incorporating feedback from two linguists...

This suggested improvement instead makes it sound like you are willing and eager to learn from others.

Based on some positive feedback from two linguists who have been kind enough to review my work...

This suggested improvement paints you as a person who is grateful for the consideration others show to you, and respectful of those with advanced professional accomplishments.

I plan to complete this work and publish it in a linguistics journal before going to grad school.

It's very difficult to get published in a reputable academic journal, and rare for anyone pre-grad-school to get such an honor. Many may plan such an accomplishment, but few will achieve it. Your confidence here sounds callow and naive.

I hope to have this paper published.

This revision highlights your understanding of the difficulty of the task.

I will continue my research and plan to pursue publication.

This does the same thing, but I think it is better, because it highlights the hard work you will do to accomplish your goal.

In summary, your readers on reddit want you to not merely showcase your achievements, but also to paint a picture of yourself as humble, hard-working, grateful and realistic --as well as confident.

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