: Repetitive pattern for action beats At times, my action beats feel awkward and repetitive. I seem to reuse similar action patterns. For example, "A studied/looked at/observed B" or "A smiled/grinned
At times, my action beats feel awkward and repetitive.
I seem to reuse similar action patterns. For example, "A studied/looked at/observed B" or "A smiled/grinned (optional adverb)".
Additionally, I sometimes get feedback that words in the beat that I assume are "showing" are in reality "telling".
In this description
Dylan Lockwood twisted around in the cramped space capsule and slapped Musa on the back. “Musa, you got to relax. You’re ‘bout as calm as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.†He studied Musa, a patient, weathered half-smile on his face. “Look, we practiced this a hundred times. It’s just another simulation, son.â€
How can I create more diversity, avoiding the the "A studied/looked at/observed B" pattern that I seem to overuse?
Is "patient" descriptive, or does it come across as telling?
Specific to this example, is it obvious and unambiguous that the half-smile is on Dylan's face rather than Musa's? If not, how can I improve?
More posts by @Samaraweera193
: Managing Document Versions for Multiple Tenses I need to create two versions of a document, one in future tense and one in past tense: Document A: The consultant will do X. Document B: The
: What is the trickiest aspect of devising a plot for your novel? A plot is a very complex thing consisting of complicated interactions between the fuzzy characters and situations, each of whom
3 Comments
Sorted by latest first Latest Oldest Best
My guess is that you are describing actions rather than motivations. That is, you are too removed from the character. Since Dylan seems to be our POV character, get us deeper into his mind. What is he thinking? What is he feeling? If you immerse us in the character, the telling will become showing much easier:
Dylan Lockwood twisted around in the cramped space capsule and slapped Musa on the back. “Musa, you got to relax. You’re ‘bout as calm as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.†His own stomach coiled tightly, but he couldn't let it show. Instead he forced a smile onto his face, hoping to calm his own nerves as well as his jittery partner. “Look, we practiced this a hundred times. It’s just another simulation, son.â€
Or similar. The deeper we get into the character, the less you'll find those filter words (looked, studied, etc.) appearing in your writing.
If a character is simply smiling or looking at another character, I'll go out on a limb and say you can delete that whole sentence. A character looking at something or someone, in most cases, adds nothing to the narrative.
Now, if Dylan looks at Musa and sees something that contributes to the story, then tell the reader about it. Maybe Musa is green or dead or eating a hole in his spacesuit.
Well, in this particular scene, we are immediately told that Dylan twists around (I assume in a chair) to pat Musa, so I don't see a need to incorporate any looked at/studied etc. because we already know he's looking at him. As for 'patient,' I do think that's "telling," but it can still be incorporated in a different way.
Dylan Lockwood twisted around in the cramped space capsule and slapped Musa on the back. “Musa, you got to relax. You’re ‘bout as calm as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Look, we practiced this a hundred times. It’s just another simulation, son," he said patiently, his half-smile weathered.
It's not always necessary to use actions like the ones you're over-using; if you find yourself falling into that pattern, you should try rephrasing, as in my example.
And yes, I think you aren't clear enough on whose smile it is, thus the rewording.
I hope this helps, and good luck on your writing! (Sorry if this doesn't help, though)
Terms of Use Privacy policy Contact About Cancellation policy © selfpublishingguru.com2024 All Rights reserved.