: Re: Ordinary writing or Prose: how to make it immersive? As a beginner, I have a frequent problem when writing: I know what I want to write, but I fail to put it in good sentences that reflect

@Rivera824

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In the case of the example you provide, the problem I have with it as a reader is that the point-of-view character, realistically, is not going to be doing any analysis during the exchange itself, and you forcing him to do analysis during a crisis is what makes the reader go into that non-emotional mental place.

Put another way, the paragraphs telling us to think a certain way is pulling on a different faculty in our brains. It is the back and forth between dialog and description/analysis that is jarring here.

I'd do some rearranging:

"Look at what you did..."

Bob risked a quick glance.

Oscar exploded, "I raised a coward! At least have the decency to face your problems
like a man."

The retort hit Bob like a hard stone and he froze. Why did he always
have to put himself in such difficult situations ? He knew what would
be the outcome — they were going to send him to
the mines.

And I might cut all of the below stuff, it's a mix of speculative thinking and telling and extra back-story info-dumpy stuff and so on. I don't think we need these details.

All he could see was Alice's face of pure disappointment and Oscar's
frowned brows. The pressure made him instantly look back on the ground
with shame, and he stayed silent due to the fear of causing more
trouble. Would this gesture have been the right answer for Alice who
calmed down a little, it certainly did not please whose anger.

, his parents had warned him many times. Yet, in the
end, he couldn't get to be the man his father wished for. A tear ran
down his cheek. It was too late now

-- trying to make himself as little as possible.

The bitterness made

But you'll get the hang of it, and I have no idea if my re-write is any more immersive than your original. And, your original is a fine starting point. Write an entire draft of your complete story, and then go through item by item and see what can be pruned or rearranged to better effect.

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