: How can I revise these sentences to be more correct while still keeping the effect? I have written these two sentences: Despite her temper, I loved her still. Or perhaps not despite;
I have written these two sentences:
Despite her temper, I loved her still.
Or perhaps not despite; perhaps because of.
The second sentence feels grammatically incorrect; how can I revise this to be less awkward-sounding yet still punchy? (The thought continues in the rest of the paragraph, explaining his feelings in more depth; this is the end of one paragraph and the beginning of another.)
Edit: I came back to the paragraph to give context, decided I didn't like the way it flowed into the next sentence, and ended up changing it entirely: "Or perhaps not despite; that would imply I saw it as a flaw." C'est la first editing pass.
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@Phylliss352
Despite her temper, I loved her still.
Perhaps ...because of it.
This may be a bit too terse for your character, but it adds impact by being more direct. Without the direct reference to the sentence above, it becomes like an idea that occurs/emerges from the first one.
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@Sue2132873
Would you really want it in one pseudo-sentence? When it's not quite a sentence as such, why not have two for the right effect?
Despite her temper, I loved her still. Or perhaps not despite. Perhaps because of.
Leave some grammar out for the reader's imagination. Even a mark of interrogation showing a sense of 'I really wonder if it is ...' should be nice, I suppose.
Perhaps because of?
Or, would that be superfluous with perhaps? Perhaps.
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@Kevin153
The topic seems informal to me, and lends itself nicely to a more personal, less formal tone. I'm okay with it being not strictly grammatical.
Given that, consider a version that is even less grammatical and more informal:
Or perhaps not despite. Perhaps because of.
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@Hamaas631
The second sentence feels grammatically incorrect because it's not a sentence; it's two fragments joined by a semicolon. That doesn't make it wrong, but that's probably why you're reacting that way.
If you want to keep the fragment style, I would tweak it thus:
Or perhaps not despite -- perhaps because of.
I made two changes there. First, I emphasized "because of", since that's the key insight that (I assume) you'll build out in the sentences to follow. The other is that I replaced the semicolon with a dash; a semicolon puts up more of a "barrier" between the clauses (like that one I just used), while a dash is more flexible. In this case the dash suggests a thought sequence, which seems to fit with what you're trying to do. (If you want to suggest a more gradual, contemplative process, instead of a dash you could use an ellipsis -- the first thought "trails off" to be replaced by the second.)
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