: Ways to replace "Then, ..." I find myself writing "Then, ..." a lot. Example: As soon as she found my letter---or rather, Kiyoshi's---she widened her slitted eyes and pressed the letter
I find myself writing "Then, ..." a lot. Example:
As soon as she found my letter---or rather, Kiyoshi's---she widened
her slitted eyes and pressed the letter against her chest. Then, as
though she were handling a delicate glass sculpture, she opened the
envelope.
Mr. HSC squinted his slanted eyes at me. Then, setting down his chef
hat on the counter, he said, “Look my shift’s over. How ‘bout we go to
the izakaya around the corner?
I answered her smile with my own. Then, receiving her apple, I asked her, "So > what now?"
How can I replace those thens? (For some reason, I feel that the sentences sound weird without them. Maybe I'm wrong?)
More posts by @Tiffany377
: Is it strange/confusing to initiate/introduce a dialogue without a dialogue tag? In other words, is it strange/confusing to do this? For the next few seconds, I watched Aiko read the letter
: To me it sounds like going into too much detail with it could fetishise it, but then if it's more of a world building factor you probably should go into more detail. Figuring out exactly
4 Comments
Sorted by latest first Latest Oldest Best
Just drop 'em.
...she... pressed the letter against her chest. As though she were handling
a delicate glass sculpture, she opened the envelope.
Mr. HSC squinted his slanted eyes at me. Setting down his chef
hat on the counter, he said...
I answered her smile with my own. Receiving her apple, I asked
her, "So, what now?"
(Example 3 sounds better with a "then," though.)
As the other answers have noted, you can rewrite the sentences to remove the need for "then" (or possibly just omit it without any rewriting at all). However, there are also a few synonyms you can use, allowing you to keep the sense of narrative flow you're after without the frequent repetition of "then".
As soon as she found my letter---or rather, Kiyoshi's---she widened her slitted eyes and pressed the letter against her chest. A moment later, as though she were handling a delicate glass sculpture, she opened the envelope.
Mr. HSC squinted his slanted eyes at me before setting down his chef hat on the counter. “Look, my shift’s over," he said. "How ‘bout we go to the izakaya around the corner?
I answered her smile with my own. As I received her apple, I asked her, "So, what now?"
"Then" is not really required in the examples you show. "Then" is only really required when the previous sentence or clause indicates further actions or items.
"First, the Earth cooled, then the dinosaurs came."
I also suspect you are looking at sentences to tell your story rather than complete paragraphs. Your examples can easily be re-written to avoid "then".
"After setting down his chef hat on the counter Mr. HSC squinted his slanted eyes at me. “Look my shift’s over, he said. "How ‘bout we go to the izakaya around the corner?""
"As soon as she found my letter---or rather, Kiyoshi's---she widened her slitted eyes and pressed the letter against her chest. She opened the envelope as though handling a delicate glass sculpture."
Use the active voice in your sentences and replace the adverbial interjections with metaphor or simile.
Use "then" at the end of long sequences of actions to signify their final step/completion or as the transition/introduction to another set of actions with a different purpose or by another character, hopefully.
Then, as though she were handling a delicate glass sculpture, she opened the envelope.
She opened the envelope, careful to handle it as though it were a delicate glass sculpture.
Then, setting down his chef hat on the counter, he said, “Look my shift’s over. How ‘bout we go to the izakaya around the corner?
He set down his chef hat and let out a long sigh. "Look..."
Then, receiving her apple, I asked her, "So > what now?"
I took the offered apple with one hand. "So what now?" I asked during the natural pause created by the gifting.
As you can see, you'll need to incorporate words that indicate simultaneous action. That and various sentence complexity combos.
Terms of Use Privacy policy Contact About Cancellation policy © selfpublishingguru.com2024 All Rights reserved.